this is not a blog.

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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

108 plays • download

christinefriar:

Heavy D - Now That We’ve Found Love

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH ITTTTTT???

I had a dream I could by my to Heaven. When I awoke I spent that on some Chex Mix. My momma told me every breath is a blessing. And then she asked me to please pass the dressing. (ohohohoh)

“

—	Mc Fatty McButterpants

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justojusto: 10 insanely expensive, supremely awesome tech costumes

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Thanks for being a complete dick, Monday.

(via awesome-everyday)

Indeed. Happy Birthday to me! NOT.

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justojusto: somuchsass:

The Candy Corn Martini

Fact of the day: Candy corn dissolves in vodka.

I thought Vodka dissolved EVERYTHING…

I’ve done this w/ Stolichnaya Vodka and Gummy Bears… It was amazing…

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allthingsalishan:

1) this makes me real glad I’ve had the same sexual partner for hella years.

2) I would catch a murder case if I found out I had crabs via facebook. Somebody would get stabbed in the throat

3) skeezin never pays.

thedailywhat:[via.]

”skeezin never pays.” is now my favorite quote… and a creed I shall live by for the rest of my life…

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"Barack Obama, raised by a single mother and his grandparents, born with no discernible financial advantages, clocked Hillary Clinton, clocked John McCain, and got himself elected the first African-American president of the United States. He got himself elected in a country that was still lynching black people when he was a child. Barack Obama, whatever you may think of his politics, doesn't need anyone telling him to man up." »

soupsoup: (via alexbalk)

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soupsoup: (via ashwinilakshmi)

Dear Indian food, There is a difference between spicy and lethal. P.S. Um can I use your bathroom? http://twitpic.com/mej7g

“

—	jimgaffigan

I think I've used my body weight in Kleenex today.

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soupsoup:

theoriginaljoefisher:

21 News Caption Mistakes: Pics, Videos, Links, News

I'm a mess.

A sniffling. Sneezing. Coughing. Hacking. Burning up Hot. Freezing cold. Shivvering. Snotting. Drooling. Congested mess.

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Worst one I've read yet...

fmylife:

Today, I took my girlfriend to the fair so I could propose. We finally got to the top of the ferris wheel, and I popped the question. She said no. The ferris wheel broke down. Most awkward hour of my life. FML

"No, I'm a decepticon. Say it with me.. dee-sep-tick-on..."

Me: "Thanks for calling (redacted), my name is Mario. Can I get your telephone number?"
Guy: "Are you a machine?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Guy: "I just spent forever talking to an automated voice and I hate talking to machines and automated voices. It's bull. You konw people need jobs."
Me: "Well I can assure you that I'm not a machine and I'd be more than happy to help you."
Guy: "No I just don't need any help I just want you to get rid of that machine because it's taking away jobs."
Me: "Alrighty."

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Wooow.

fmylife:

Today, the power went out at work. As everyone left the building to go home, the owner came in to inform me that, since the phones were on a battery back up, I would be staying to man them. The phones rang 2 times in the 4 hours I sat in the dark by myself. Both times were telemarketers. FML